thissocalled*life

2009-05-29T19:22:00.004-04:00

Arriving at one goal is the starting point to another.
~ Fyodor Dostoevski

“Once they move, they're gone. Once you move, life starts over again.”
~ Jim Hinkle

“When you feel that you have reached the end and that you cannot go one step further, when life seems to be drained of all purpose: What a wonderful opportunity o start all over again, to turn over a new page.” - Eileen Caddy

Can we start over? Or do we simply move on... I don't see these as the same "thing."

Starting over... would be a scary process... to go back and start over from the beginning? That to me, would be terrible. To get to this point... TODAY... I had to go through so many life experiences... but had I not gone through them... I would have missed so much.

So no... I refuse to "start over"... but I will embrace moving on with open arms.... with an open mind... with open eyes... and mostly an open heart.

I've been surprised in the past 2 weeks to get emails asking me to blog again... maybe it was a conspiracy... but with a lot of thought... about this said "moving on"... maybe it makes sense to revamp this blog... to move on with it... to record my journey so that when I get that spot... that spot where I can say I'm okay... I can look back through my pages... and finally say "THE END".

Today's chapter would be a dark one... a sad one... and not much of a page turner. I'm finding that I fly so high on my good days.... but when those bad days sneak up on me I crash twice as hard as I was flying. It's so incredibly hard to pick myself up from that crash... it's twice as hard. 1 step forward ... 2 steps back... But I'm hopeful that tomorrow's chapter will be a bright and cheerful one.

My "forever friend" also known as my N.C. BFF wrote me such a touching email this week... when I read it I felt like she was standing beside me and holding my hand. I'd like to share what has kept me going this week....

quoted from her email to me:

"you are amazing in every sense of the word. i mean that, with all of my heart. i KNOW you are going to be ok, i just know it.
i am sorry that you have to do this today. it just sucks but you are doing the right thing. as hard as it is that something is coming to an end, it is also a new beginning for you. a chance to start fresh and focus on YOU!!
i long everyday to just give you a hug, be there to hold your hand, listen to you, especially on a day like today.
i cry all the time when i think of what you are going through. you are just such a beautiful person and please know, that if i could take it all away, i would. in a second. i know i say it every time i type, but you are my hero. i am so so so proud of you."

It's hard for me to accept the acknowledgement that someone is proud of me. So hard. Because I'm not to where I feel proud of myself yet. But I hope one day that I can see the Jodi that she sees. I hope that someday I can be half the friend to her that she is to me. I hope that I can be proud of me...

So here's to new chapters, new beginnings and moving on... to smiling even when you don't think you can. To best friends and to me...

"Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard.”
~ Dave Mustaine

'Tis the Season....

2008-12-20T13:09:00.002-05:00

I'm spinning... Literally... and I've gotten so used to this wacky out of control spinning of life... that I'm afraid if it (my life) were to slow down I might not be able to handle the "stillness" of it. I've found myself holding on tightly to things to gain some kind of security... But in the mist of it all... some glorious things have happened (glorious to me... and probably not glorious to others...)

* I decided to not stress out about Christmas cards. Normally, I do. I'm not this year. I am NOT.

* I got to go on the "Annual Mom and Amy (my sister) Christmas Shopping Trip"... which I guess we'll have to rename now that I have moved back. This trip consists of my sister and I shaking our heads at my mom's crazy list... lots of laughs... and loud Christmas music in the car.

* Madi is STUDENT of the Month in the Middle School... I might have posted about this! The breakfast to "honor" her was canceled this Friday due to the 10" of snow that was expected to fall.

* Madi had her Choral Concert... Beautiful!

* Mac bought my Christmas present while out shopping with my Dad. Even though it feels like a Pizza Cutter and is shaped like a Pizza Cutter... he says "It's NOT a Pizza Cutter" (Tho, I heard him whisper to Madi that it was! *wink*)

* I mourn the end of Santa's Secret Workshop this year. Madi doesn't have it in the Middle School and Mac's preschool doesn't hold one. No more crazy earrings from Madi.

* I am officially "Coke" (the soda, silly) FREE! This is a constant struggle for me.... and while I have been able to stop drinking it... I always get cravings. The cravings are gone and (excuse me while I pass out) the taste isn't even enjoyable to me anymore.

* I had a wonderful WONDERFUL time catching back up with my childhood friends... I'll post some pictures, soon! It was truly a great night... and fun to see how we've all "grown" up!

Ho Ho Ho! I'm sure I won't be back to post until the Holiday is over... Happy Holidays!

Old Friends...

2008-12-06T11:46:00.003-05:00

We all have them, right? I'm not talking about a friend from college... or even high school... I'm talking about our "first friends"....

I have the pleasure of reconnecting with my first childhood friends via the Internet, class reunions, etc... but this coming weekend we are having our first ever "get together"... without the pressure of a class reunion, etc.

See... we went to a little tiny school... I don't think my class size was ever over 25 students. We didn't have "homerooms" or have to change classes or anything. We went to school together from Kindergarten until our sophomore year ... when our roots were "up" rooted and our small town school had to consolidate with a different school. Many of us were separated into different homerooms, different activities, different sports, etc... making it inevitable for us NOT to make different groups of friends... our small school bond got lost in the shuffle of the "new'ness" of a new school.

My 2 first childhood school friends Jen and Chanin and I have decided to make it our best effort to find what was lost... our "old school" roots.

To say I'm excited is an understatement. Our first friends in many ways... are what helped form our lives... our dreams... etc. These are the people we held hands with in a circle and sang songs. The children we bowed our heads and prayed with in school. Our friends who stood by us when we still didn't know all the words to the "Star Spangled Banner"... the friends who played cops and robbers on the playground with us... who helped us chase the boys away. These are the friends that taught us how to be friends. They didn't pick on you when you still went home for lunch in elementary school... because you were so homesick it hurt! (lol'ing... *wink*) We played jump rope, rode our bikes in circles on the pavement, wrapped our knees around the high bar and went round and round and round... Some of us were called "Towns people" and we walked to and from school.... we didn't worry about "bad things" or fear for anything (well... maybe except for the big white van parked on the road).... I personally think... living in a small town and going to a small school was a HUGE gift to all of us.

We're all adults now... but the fact that we're young enough to have these memories is awesome. I cannot wait to sit around and just remember how easy we had it then. To learn what everyone is like as an adult now...

And to make plans to make sure this is an annual event..... When you first friends can become your forever friends... I think you are pretty much as blessed as it gets!

So here's to Tigers, Show and Tell, and Small Towns....

I'm Thankful.....

2008-11-29T11:24:00.004-05:00

We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.
~ Cynthia Ozick

I am thankful... and a few days late writing this.... But I've been busy enjoying my family... which I am SOOOO THANKFUL for!

It's easy to become wrapped up in things you don't have, things you wish you could have, things you wish you previously had, things that are always out of reach... But when asked to list what you are *RIGHT NOW* (in this moment) Thankful for... it seems easy to understand just how lucky you are... try it...

Right now I am thankful for...

*Family... each and every one of them
*My marriage... the good, the bad, the happy and the sad
*Random "I Love You's" from Madi and Mac
*Kid Hugs...
*Walking into my parent's house and instantly feeling "At Home"
*Looking at my 90 Year old Grandmother "Neena" and knowing that she loves me and is proud of me... but also looking at her and being proud that I can live in this same life that she does
*Coffee
*Feeling a big fat cat curled up on my feet in the early morning
*Madi and everything she brings into my life... even the grumpy moments
*Mac and his Mac "ways"... I wish I could keep him 5 forever
*My health, my life, my love
*Coke
*Friends near and far... For Becca, Jess, and Bex ... because even when they can't physically hold my hand... I know they are.
*Facebook... Myspace... and my computer
*First loves and last loves...
*Eternity Perfume
*Chocolate Pudding
*My mom's 'sketti sauce
*Hearing my mom call me her "little one"
*Knowing that my parents are proud of me and who I have become.
*Heated seats
*Fitting into my "favorite" jeans...
*People magazine
*Chunky Monkey Ice Cream
*Fuzzy slippers
*each one of my nieces and nephews...
*Kevin Bacon
*laughter
*knowing the feeling of love, of happiness, of sadness, of hurt... being able to "feel"
*my new found NON' dependency on my cell phone
*a new found relationship with one of my sisters
*music, my iPod, and MTV
*my life... and the mystery of the years yet to come

My list could go on forever.... but how comforting it is to know that right now... in this moment... I'm so blessed. I'll admit to having the "woe is me" moments lately... but when I stop to really think about my life... I know that I'm lucky, I'm happy, and I'm surrounded by people who help make my life what it is.

Thank you... all of you.

Oh Where Oh Where....

2008-11-23T10:51:00.002-05:00

Could I be?

I can't catch up! Seriously... How did it get to Thanksgiving already? Wasn't it just summer? Wasn't I just laying out with a good book listening to the kids play?

As I type, I can watch the snow swirling around out my window. I won't even go on and on and on about how much I detest winter, snow, and everything cold. Just let it be know that I hate it. I, as a good parent, try to teach Madi and Mac that we don't use the word "hate".... that we don't "Hate" anything.... but secretly I HATE WINTER.

Madi brought home a wonderful report card. All A+'s except for that darn B+ in Math. What can I say, she's my girl. If it has anything to do with numbers, I really don't want anything to do with it. (except for shopping!) Her grades earned her a spot on the Middle School High Honors Honor Roll. We are very proud of her.

Also, in Miss Smarty Pants Madi news... she ran for Student Council. There were 6 children total chosen from the 5th grade Homerooms. After counting 600 votes... we learned that Madi was chosen for one of the spots. What an honor for all of us. For Madi it means that she is being accepted in a new school that is full of new teachers, new classmates, and new friends. For a Mom... it means that this move hasn't affected her so far. I've been so nervous that she would handle the move the hardest... that she would struggle being in a new place without her familiar surroundings. But I think she's okay. I think we're all okay. I think my feelings can finally come close to resting and I can relax knowing that I'm okay.

Mac... what a kid. I've overheard him a few times over the past month or so tell people on the phone that "He's not hearing so well." After a visit to our new local Doctor... we have a referral to a hearing specialist on Tuesday.

Mac's hearing, ears, health, etc have been a constant battle with us since he was just a tiny little thing... I have this knot in my stomach that won't leave until I know that he's okay. I hate complaining when I know that there are so many children out there with MUCH more serious medical issues.... but he's my baby, and I worry.

I guess right now... in this moment... I'm so THANKFUL for all that is right in my life right now. Sometimes our lives can start that spin... that spin that can whack us all out of sync.... but right now I feel like I'm standing still... which for me IS A GOOD THING.

I'm going to sit for a minute... and think of my feet buried in sand, the sun toasting my skin to an early onset of wrinkles, and a nice fruity drink by my side. (please don't tell my brain that I'm really freezing, cup of HOT coffee beside me, with 2 layers of moisturizer on my dry flaky skin)

Peace, Love, and Warm Fuzzy Mittens....

ThisIsWhereIAm

2008-10-27T17:34:00.008-04:00

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Beauty is not in the face;

beauty is a light in the heart.

~Khalil Gibran, (1883 - 1931)

I woke up in a great mood today... but everything took a turn for the worse this morning when the "industrial" stapler and I got into a struggling match at work. (for the record... the Stapler won)

So I have nothing inspirational to write.

I can tell you that Mac is all jacked up on Gobstoppers and Allergy Medicine.

I can tell you that the LAST thing I want to do tonight is run all the way back in to town to pick up Madi from Volleyball practice.

I can tell you that I forgot to do something that my Mom asked me to do 2 weeks ago... and I had to be reminded of it by her. Nothing big... but I feel like a big ol' failure.

So many of my friends are dealing with a lot worse right now. I feel bad complaining... so I'll stop. (Hammer Time)

I thought I'd share some pic's... Autumn pictures from the "country"... enjoy~

Pretty in Pink Leaves...

A rainbow over a house down the dirt road...

Our Pretty Red Barn Door

Our "Home"... Circa 1856

Call "C.Y.S."....

2008-10-20T19:10:00.005-04:00

Call Children and Youth... I would. Haha... this is the fun my children had last week.

Last Tuesday was our last "warm day". (I even wore shorts... in October!!). So... we gassed up the mowers and decided to tackle the ka'zillion ba'zillion acres and mow for the last time. We've been fortunate since moving in that the weather remained dry enough that the grass didn't grow. At all. Therefore... we haven't had to mow. Until Tuesday, that is...

I used the push mower. (okay... I should mention that it is self propelled) I love it... I love walking behind it... it's so noisy that I get lost in my own thoughts. I don't hear the kids fighting over a stick. Yes, that's right... they fought over a stick. I know this because... they stopped me to tell me.

HELLO!!!!! We live on a half wooded property!!! GO FIND ANOTHER ONE!!! Ugh.

Anyways... I walked around the corner and this is what I see.

(I will first state that before you call C.Y.S. please be informed that Dale was just out of the picture in these shots... per his request. Neither child was left alone on the mower.... someone was walking beside them at all times)

That said... Mac thinks this is what country life is all about. He said... "I am a farmer now, Mom!" I guess mowing with a Honda Lawn Tractor is "farming" enough... when you are 5.

And not to be out done by Mac... Madi tried it, too! (omg... we are so turning redneck, aren't we?)

What? Me, Busy?

2008-10-17T14:09:00.004-04:00

The love of a family is life's greatest blessing ~
~ Unknown

In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future.
~ Alex Haley

I don't know that I'll ever, ever.... EVAH get this SAHM + part time job thing figured out. I'd like to think that I follow routines pretty well... but when that routine gets messed up... watch out!

We've had a busy busy few weeks. I figure it's easy to update today with some pictures.

My mom called one day and invited Mac and I to go apple picking. My parents have HUGE orchards (peaches, apples, pears, plums, etc) but with a lot of thought behind it, they decided to stop spraying their trees. The spray was nasty, and while it was great for the crop... it scared us that you have to wear a protective suit, masks, gloves, etc to use it. All that spray goes onto the fruit, drips into the ground, enters our water table, etc... it really is quite scary. Their crops used to be GORGEOUS... and as they fazed out the harmful spray... the quality of their fruit lessened. To make a long story short... their apples are pit'y, and not that large. Mostly the deer get to enjoy them.... they aren't worth selling or eating at this point. It's time now that we can start looking into safer and more organic sprays. The peaches and pears, however, were a GREAT crop.

So... this year we went to their friend Ed's orchards. My dad often helps out there so we can pick what we want and take them.

Okay... back to my mom's call. When she asked... I really didn't want to go. I was in my comfy clothes, Mac was playing quietly, (and I really wanted to catch up on The Hills).... but right when I was about to decline... I remembered "THIS IS WHY I MOVED BACK HOME!" so I could do these things. So my children could experience these things with my parents.... so we went... and had so much fun. Poor Madi... school is just a bummer when you miss the fun stuff.

So here are some pictures from that afternoon.

This is my FAVORITE PICTURE!!! And FYI, taking a 5 year old Apple Picking... basically means that YOU do the picking while they do the taste testing of the different varieties... as seen in the pictures below.

Mr. Apple Taster, Himself.

There wasn't a cloud in the sky.

It's hard work.... picking all these apples!

Reason # 2643 why I moved home.... so Mac can remember this day ... spent with Mom-Mom (my mom...)

This quote sums up what I felt that day.... it meant the world to my Mom to have us join her. If not, she would have gone on her own. It took 2 hours... but it was SOOO worth it.

Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.

~ Paul Pearshall

Random'ness...

2008-10-10T18:10:00.003-04:00

I just found the BEST "Christmas Present Hiding Place" EVAH!

This is a constant goal with me... in our old house... I hid presents in the storage part of the basement in Rubbermaid totes labeled "Easter Decorations"... which was fine... until mid December when Madi decided she and Mac should have an Easter Egg hunt. Yep, in the middle of December. Her imagination is endless, eh?

So... as I'm unpacking a box today... (10 points for me... I should mention because I haven't been keeping up with my unpacking Goals... hahahaha... who am I kidding... I have no goals)... anyways ~ I was looking for a place to stash all the little boxes marked "Kitchen Desk"... which I don't have anymore (reminder to self... discuss Kitchen desk vs. no Kitchen Desk)... and if I don't have one anymore... then I have no where to put the stuff, right? RIGHT? (you are right... this is an avoiding technique that I'm using. I know some day down the road I'm going to need something from those boxes... like the stapler, the box of paperclips, etc... and I'm going to regret not unpacking the box. And at that point, all you organized people can say "I told you so".)

Okay... back to the hiding spot. In the little room off of the "parlor" (I love saying Parlor) *Would you like to come sit awhile in the Parlor and have a drink of Tea?* oh yeah... in the little room, which I have made our Library there is a closet. One doesn't need a Library Closet... so I started stuffing boxes back there and then I had that Oprah Light Bulb Moment... *TAH DAH*

So... because I am so organized and already started my shopping... I put the Christmas presents back there.
1. Troy Trojan tshirt for Madi (can you believe she went from being a "Picker" as a mascot to a "Trojan"? Poor kid.
2. 2 Webkinz. (pink spotted dinosaur, and furry cat like thing)
3. A little frog ornament that I'm sure someone gave to me (I hope you aren't reading this) but I will re'gift to my Mother In Law who loves Frogs. Not that I don't love frogs... but it's so cute and I know she'd love it and give it a good home.

Okay... so it's not a lot of presents... but it makes me feel good. Makes me feel even better to know I have the hiding "spot"!

I won't get into the Kitchen Desk topic now... spare you the pain. For now I'll go round up Mac who has been hauling leaves in the yard with his John Deere Tractor. I told him I'd give him .50 cents. He's so easy.
(if by chance you did give me the Frog ornament... I'm sorry.)

Okay... fine....

2008-10-10T13:53:00.003-04:00

I've been blog surfing today... sometimes I get lost. I'll go to 1 blog... then link to some other blog from there, and link to another... and before I know it... I have no idea how I got to where I am. (I often also catch myself doing this on Facebook and Myspace)... (maybe I have some form of Internet ADD?)

My blog is BORING! Not so cool....

Therefore... I'm going to be doing some updating soon.... (by soon I mean when everything else in my life slows down which really could be 10 years from now)

Here's some updated news:

Mac is "that" kid. You know, the one who can't sit still during Story Time. Today on the ride home from school, he informed me that he had to go sit at the table during story time because he couldn't be quiet or stop "fiddet'ing" (aka fidgeting). From what I've heard (via Mac) the table is the snack table and it's not close to the teacher of the children listening to the story. ANYWAYS..... I told him that we all have those days.

And he said.......................................

"I have those days a lot."

So I guess I'll have a talk with Mrs. N on Monday. Mac has never been one to sit and listen to a story, but he's always polite and quiet. I have come to the conclusion from different conversations that I have had with him... that he and another boy "E" get quite crazy together.

I know every Mother thinks that their child is perfect, and I share that same view. And while I know that they aren't perfect ALL of the time... I've never known Mac to not follow the rules. So I'm a little upset that he's starting to fall on the wrong side of the tracks.

Ugh... advice? You BTDT moms... any advice for me and my Story time interrupting child??

Peace, Love, and Sugar Cookies with frosting and pumpkin sprinkles... (which I'm going to drown my woes in)

Magic, and stuff....

2008-10-09T11:17:00.003-04:00

Here's a great "Mac'ism"... quoted from a conversation with Mac this morning...

Mac: "Mom, I'm magic."
Me: (thinking... this was going to be something cute and child like) "Really, Mac?"
Mac: "Want to know why?"
Me: "Of COURSE I do..." (and I did... really.)
Mac: "Because, sometimes I burp and no one can hear it." (this said all "matter of factly")
Me: "Wow, Maclin... that IS magic!"
Mac: "I told you!"

Ugh... boys. Ha.... I guess it's okay... because as long as he's magic and no one hears him... then I have nothing to be embarrassed about, right?

In other news... Madi has started Volleyball. YIKES, I know. I say yikes, because most of you know, that as Madi stated a few years ago... "She doesn't play anything with Balls" and last year... the one time when she did she got pelted in the face with a basketball and went back to her rule "I don't play anything with balls." But, because we decided to take a year off of dance (she was really burnt out... 5 hours a week was a lot last year)... she decided to try "new" things... like sports that use balls. I know this isn't going to end well. She has no coordination (wonder where she gets that from???? ???? ????)... except for some reason... when she is dancing.

But, she claims that she loves Volleyball. AND... when V'ball is over, Basketball starts... and she wants to try that. Who is this girl? Though, I did see glitter around her eyes when I picked her up from practice. She hasn't lost all that "Girly Girl" in her yet!

Seriously...

2008-10-03T19:59:00.002-04:00

Can I have a time out?

We are going a ka'zillion miles a minute with no end in sight.

I finished my second full (hehe... remember 20 hrs a week) week of work! It's been a lot of fun to reconnect with people that I used to work with. I enjoy it... although, I'm still catching up on things from when the last girl left... (June).

I have a scanner there. It's the most ANNOYING piece of equipment ever. Seriously... first off, I think it's one of the first scanners ever produced. Therefore, it's an antique. And the sounds! The sounds this antique makes... yikes! The CEO of the school/Corporation actually came in on Wednesday and asked if it was necessary... that he could hear it from his office. HA! Um, and yes, it IS necessary... I'm in charge of scanning and filing all data, checks, bank statements, etc

On Monday, I'm taking my iPod. I cleared it with my "boss" and she said I could... but I had to take turns with her! I seriously hear the scanning noise in my head when I'm not at work.
I guess... as far as "budgets" go... Business Office Assistant is last on the list to get new equipment. My theory is this... if I keep it up and run it constantly... someone will suggest I get a newer one. Maybe something from the 1980's!

Other than that... same ol' same ol... just trying to catch up. Still unpacking. Still boxes of things here and there... but I'm getting there.

More from the "Country"...

2008-10-02T14:48:00.002-04:00

Today... Madi and I were driving to my parent's via the dirt road... and playing in the middle of the road were 2 baby Bobcats... Look at this picture (not mine but exactly what they looked like ... just a tiny bit bigger).

They were so cute... I've seen adult Bobcats in the wild before, but never their babies!

A "Butterfly" is born!!!

2008-09-29T17:54:00.004-04:00

Our Friend "Lady Butterfly"

I'm in awe... and even though this is something I did as a child... watching it through Mac and Madi's eyes... was amazing.

Lady Butterfly was born today... while we were gone.

At one point I was focusing my camera and wiping tears from my eyes at the same time.

I worried like any "good" mother would do all day today... I just knew she would hatch before we got home. And I wanted to watch it sooo bad (I'm secretly worse than my children).

But... maybe that is the way it was meant to be. Maybe it's supposed to remain part of the great mystery of nature. (though, we will try again next year... and I'm crossing my fingers with the Luna Moth)

I took the kids into the field to release the butterfly... but it seems she had an attachment issue. It just wouldn't let go... of any of us. We all traded her back and forth and finally I resorted to big arm gestures to get her to leave my finger. She flew for a bit... and then landed. I was worried that maybe she couldn't fly, but after a few shakes she flew off into the sunset. No, really... it was like out of a storybook. Right when she took off the sun broke through the clouds and we watched her fly until we couldn't see her anymore. Mac said a pray for her (which ended in his ever popular "O'Man" instead of Amen.)

Some of the pictures are blurry... I'm sure because of crying episode. (I'm such a sap!)

Here are the 'better' of the pictures... with the one Madi took of me NOT included. OMG, I need to *check* myself. I'm not sure if it's work (you know the whole 20 hours...), the country air, or my children... but I'm looking rugged. Scary. Just down right... NAS'TAY!

Okay... pictures! xoxo Thanks for following along with us!

Butterfly Alert!!!

2008-09-29T08:12:00.003-04:00

The Monarch Chrysalis changed to a very dark color last night.

This morning it's clear and the butterfly's orange and black wings are visible through the skin of the chrysalis.

Mac has declared that THIS is reason enough NOT to go to school today. *sigh* I agree... but from what I read it could be a full 12 hours of this stage.

I wish I knew for sure... I'd love for Mac to see the chrysalis shake before the butterfly emerges (hatches).

Rain, Rain Go Away...

2008-09-27T13:58:00.002-04:00

Ho Hum... I don't have the energy to do much of anything today.

But I wanted to log on and write about the sweetest thing ever....

Some nights Mac will try to argue "Reasons why Mac should not have to go to bed..." Sometimes, they are great reasons... some nights they are funny reasons, and some nights the reasons are just plain crazy.

One of my favorite reasons is "Because when I'm sleeping... I miss you, Mommy"...

I know... MELTS YOUR HEART doesn't it? I get chills thinking how sweet it sounds.

So last night around 3 am (guess that would be this morning and not last night) he woke up and yelled down to my room... that he "needed" me.

I went to see what he needed and he said...

"I love you, Mommy"... and then "See, I do MISS you when I'm sleeping!"

I kissed his whole face and sent him back into dream land.

Some day he'll be 18 and he won't need me. I'll miss the middle of the night wake ups. I need to remember to not be angry when he wakes me up... because he still does need me... and it's true, he MISSES ME WHEN HE IS SLEEPING!!

The J.O.B.

2008-09-25T20:22:00.003-04:00

Today... I finally felt comfortable. So thanks for all the well wishes and office advice. I think I'm fitting in. I've learned that saying "Hello, this is Jodi" on the phone is quite powerful. (in fact I might start answering the house phone like that) and that little office girly chit chat is quite fun.

The hard lesson learned: When working in Adobe... if you don't hit save- you lose it all!

Sad Times...

2008-09-25T14:50:00.003-04:00

To ease another's heartache is to forget one's own.
~Abraham Lincoln

The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected.
~Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

This hasn't been an easy blog to sit down and write... but I really felt it was necessary to do so, before I blogged about anything else.

This week we said Goodbye to a girl that was much too young to die. She was a daughter to one of my childhood friends. A granddaughter to one of my Mom's best friends. And as it seems by the lines of people at her viewing last night... she was a friend to many.

Growing up... I had not one... but many families. My Mom and Dad had several really close "couple" friends... and their children were some of our best friends (*our* being my sisters and brother). We all grew up together... their parent's treated us like we were their own... and our parents were the same way.

So hearing the news that Stephanie had died... crushed a little bit of my heart. She was young... much too young.

Seeing everyone at the viewing last night broke my heart.

Why do we wait until something like this happens to see each other. To hug each other and to tell everyone how much we love them???

My friend Chrissy (she was Stephanie's Aunt) hugged me and cried into my shoulder and said "I've missed you, Jodi"

I know that as normal people... we grow up. We have families, careers, etc and it makes it hard to see each other. It's hard to stay in touch. But it hurts. It hurts to know that we let friendships slide, or that we let people take backseats in our life until maybe it's too late.

Call an old friend... write them a note... reach out. Don't let it be sadness that reconnects you.

In honor of Stephanie, I will post her memorial.
Stephanie Mullen, 22, from Athens, Pa., was taken to her grandfather’s awaiting arms on Sept. 21, 2008.

She was born Aug. 12, 1986 at the Robert Packer Hospital in Sayre, Pa. the daughter of Brian and Melissa Larrabee Mullen.

She attended Athens Area High School graduating in 2004.

Stephanie loved to be outside hiking and playing softball. She enjoyed getting tattoos. She loved spending time with her family and friends. To be in her presence was to feel love and kindness. She was a small woman who loved big and made you smile just by walking in the room.

Steph’s big heart led her in many directions. It led her to defend people who could not defend themselves, to comfort those in pain, to love those who are hard to love and to try to fix everyone’s problems. Her spirit will live on through all she touched.

She is predeceased by her grandfathers’, Harmon Larrabee, Jr. and Harold Mullen; her great-grandparents, Harmon and Hannah Larrabee and Louie and Marcella Packard.Stephanie is survived by her parents, Brian and Missy Mullen; her sister, Jennifer Mullen; her grandmothers’, Sue Larrabee and Shirley Mullen; her aunts and uncles, Crissy and Wendell Galasso, Harmon and Cathy Larrabee, Gary and Ricki Mullen, Karen Forbes, Laura and Bill Sargaent, Jimmy and Tammy Mullen; several cousins and many friends.

Steph was surrounded by many special people, some of which she shared a special bond, her boyfriend, Jessie Clark; her best friend, Vito Gronazio; and her special children (cousins), Lauren “T” Galasso, “David Joe” Galasso, Lilly “Tiny” Galasso and Harmon “Midge” Larrabee. They will remember her for her big kid attitude, her love of them and everything they do.

Friends and family may call on Wednesday, Sept. 24, 2008 from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. at the Jay E. Lowery Funeral Home, Inc., 225 South Main Street, Athens, Pa. Funeral services will be held Thursday, Sept. 25, 2008 at 11 a.m. with Tammy Salsman officiating.

Job Update # 1474

2008-09-19T13:52:00.002-04:00

"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, 'Hey, I'm Vine Man.'"
~ Jack Handey
(I love Jack Handey quotes)

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I feel STUPID today... and I know it's only my first REAL day, but YOWZA! I'm almost to the point where I truly believe playing the part of James from Thomas the Train, being the Bulldozer while playing Match Box Cars, and fixing toast with butter AND Pnut butter are my true talents.

Basic computer skills left me in a fog today. I'm so lucky that the girl training me was helpful and understanding. She smiled a lot... and I'm not sure if it was a true "you're doing okay smile" or a "WOW, this girl has NO talent" smile. I'm sure it's the first... because she seems really sweet.

That... and she's pregnant with her first child. So we all know that it's a genuine sweet smile... you really don't learn those "fake" smiles until after you've had children and you are gritting your teeth, smiling, and talking through your teeth all at the same time.

So... I made it through... 9-11:30 today! HA! Does that even constitute as working??

"A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
~ Bill Cosby

Update on previous mentioned Name Badge

2008-09-18T15:43:00.001-04:00

I think because of HIPAA laws... I am not allowed to show a picture of my badge. I will ask first and then if it's okay... I will post it. It was probably mentioned in one of the Orientation Videos we watched... but if it was, I didn't pay attention at that point. *ugh* I'm such a slacker.

ANYWAYS.... what they don't mention is when they print off your picture to place within the badge... they ZOOM your face right in so you look like this huge version of yourself. The picture is cropped literally right up to my head. It's frightening.

I did however think it looked okay... well kind of, minus the frizzed out hair. Then Mac took it and studied it for a little bit and said... "Mommy, your smile is too big and you have too many teeth!"

Um, thanks Mac... thank you for your vote of confidence. Jeez... I can't even impress my son... who told me once that he loves me more than his "LOVEY"!

Workin' 9 to 5... what a way to make a livin'....

2008-09-17T16:08:00.002-04:00

Is it me, or am I quoting Country Music singers lately. I won't even quote the lyrics to the song.

So....

After 10 years of Stay at home Mom'ness... I returned to the work force. And the title of my blog should really be... working 9 to noon... then maybe 2 to 3....

It's totally part time and totally what I was looking for. I can go in whenever I want to. Basically, choose my own hours. I must clock in (is that the right term?) 20 hours a week! So I can work around Mac's preschool time, etc...

I even got a RAISE before I started! How sweet is that? Guess, I still got it in me... or it might be due to the years I worked there before.

My duties will be to make copies, scan and file documents, mailing, spreadsheets, etc. And then, every other weekend I'll be working the SWITCHBOARD! I've always wanted to work a switchboard... although in my head a switchboard operator looks more like that cat on Webkinz when you go to get a job. OR... for the life of me I can't remember what Children's Book I remember this from... but there was a duck or a chicken or something that ran a switchboard.

Sadly... I won't have one of those cool headsets, nor will I get to plug and unplug connections. I'm imagining this:

Ah well... I do get to wear a badge... with my picture on it. TOO BAD THEY DIDN'T WARN ME ABOUT "PICTURE DAY"... because I didn't straighten my hair and I look like a Humidity Fur Monster. Ugh. I wonder if I secretly lose it, if I can get a redo. I mean she did ask me "Is it Okay?" and I did say "Yes"... but what was I going to do say "Um, no... I'd like an hour to do my hair and then can we redo it." Ugh... double Ugh.

So there it is... I'm a workin' girl!

ALERT!! ALERT!! ALERT!!

2008-09-15T16:33:00.007-04:00

I am happy to report that we have:

1 Monarch Butterfly Chrysalis
and
1 Luna Moth Cocoon

We are SOOO excited! I tried to take pictures of both. But the Luna Moth wraps himself (or herself... I have found that most articles refer to Luna Moths as Males....???) up in a leaf. Our Luna Caterpillar did, so I am unable to take a picture. The Monarch Chrysalis is hanging from the screen of the Habitat and I'm afraid I'd disturb it if I tried to take a picture.

You can see our pictures HERE (click here)

This article states that it will be 3 weeks or more before we see Mr. Luna Moth! WOW! I didn't know this Butterfly Habitat was going to be such a huge part of our decor!!

Here is a great article about the Monarch.

"Sometimes this old farm feels like a long lost friend..."

2008-09-15T15:32:00.007-04:00

Ah... John Denver... He sure had the lyrics didn't he?

The title comes from his song "Back Home Again" and after an afternoon of sitting with my Neena... those words seem to sum up what I'm feeling.

Hey, it's good to be back home again

Sometimes this old farm feels like a long lost friend

~ John Denver "Back Home Again"

A great weekend...

I thought I'd just post some pictures... of where we are now... of the "country"... of "home". I'm sentimental and close to tears... so this is my way of saying what I want... but cheating and using pictures instead!

There are days that I would love to yell across the yard to a neighbor... drive up the road for Starbucks... walk through the mall... talk to our mail lady, etc... but as I sit here typing... I can hear Mac out on the front porch playing with his Tractors. I know this is where we are supposed to be. I know that my children are supposed to experience this. No boundaries, no fences separating neighbors (though there are some separating the cows! Moo!), it's... freedom! The leaves are starting to change. Autumn will soon be here. I think we will have the best view from here. You can't find this in the "city!"

The view to our left... (corn fields, even!)

View to the Right....

Another view...

How Mac enjoys his time...

Look what I can do now! No... Home Owners Assoc. telling me what I can and cannot do! hehe! Okay, so I probably wouldn't have done it before... but I've fallen in love with line dried clothes!

To the mountains, I can rest there

To the rivers, I will be strong

To the forest, I'll find peace there

To the wild country, where I belong

To the wild country, where I belong
~ John Denver "To The Wild Country"

Iamthecrazycat*lady

2008-09-13T08:49:00.007-04:00

The one that says... "WAYWARD KITTIES.. come here!"

Yep... it's invisible... can't see it... but it must be there.

I swear it.

I can't explain how rural the area is where my house is, compared to where I lived in North East (13 miles from Erie, Pa) The "town" is really close... but I'm off on the mountain... (er... hill...) LOL. We've been watching these kittens and mama kitty at a near by house.... well we WERE watching them. In fact I stopped to tell the lady I wasn't stalking her... just the kids loved to watch the kittens play.

Next night... sitting on my porch. Mama, and 3 babies. They are WILD... but the mother wants to be friends. She's too timid tho.

Then... the next night... another cat. See a theme?

The next night... a long haired scruffy guy showed up... Kitty, that is.

I swore I wouldn't feed them. But then they looked at me.

So ... now, I think they love me. Though, they won't come anywhere near me...

BUT... *sigh* I notice that the one little kitten had a terrible scratch on his/her side... the next day it looked a bit worse. And the past two days that kitten hasn't been coming around. I'm afraid the coyotes got him... if it got infected and he/she got weak... all it is is prey to the coyotes. OR... could be the MOUNTAIN LION that everyone is spotting... it has been spotted by several people.. Ask most people around here and they'll tell you that there aren't any Mountain Lions in "our neck of the woods."... but I believe that there could be. And one person who told my father about one... would NOT lie about something like this.

Next thing you know... that thing will show up on my door. Meow'ing and wanting food. UGH!

Ugh... I*am*the*crazy*cat*lady! and... I know that the mother cat is pg again. She was looking pretty scruffy when she showed up. Now, she looks pretty scruffy and like she swallowed a small watermelon. I'd say the kittens that she has are around 6 weeks or so. And another litter on the way! YIKES!

Okay... enough meow meow rambling.... Just tell me... did they design this "action figure" after me?

TheButterflyProject

2008-09-12T08:22:00.010-04:00

I only ask to be free. The butterflies are free.
~Charles Dickens

There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly.
~Richard Buckminster Fuller

When I was in 4th or 5th grade my teacher Mrs. Dewitt did a Butterfly Project with us. She had built a big cage/pen like structure that was made of screen/net and it hung from the ceiling of our classroom (I'm going to have to invite my 2 favorite classmates to my blog so that they can help me remember this). Inside of this she put in stalks of Milkweed.

As a child, I remember watching in wonder as the caterpillars turned into butterflies right before my eyes.

My memory of this is shaky... but I remember going outside to release all the butterflies and thinking it was one of the best things I had ever watched.

For Madi's 3rd birthday one of my best friends from college (Laina) sent her a Butterfly Kit. It was cute. You sent away for the caterpillars and they arrived in a little container. Unfortunately, we had our beach trip the week that they hatched from the cocoons. Aunt Judy was "cocoon" sitting for us and she released them for us. So Madi never got to see them.

I'm one of those people that "live through their children"... but I think I do it in a good way. Not like the... "YOU WILL BE A TAP DANCER BECAUSE I NEVER GOT TO TAKE LESSONS" way... but the sweet way... like "I had this memory from my childhood and I want you to have it, too" way. Make sense?

So after many days of researching online and planning... Mac, my father and I walked through his CREP (if you don't know about CREP... it's a great program!) fields and started looking on the bottom of Milkweed leaves for eggs or already hatched caterpillars. Um, not so easy. They are teeny tiny teeny teeny things when they first hatch. Finally, I just grabbed a bunch of leaves and hoped for the best.

We built a proper habitat for them using a glass Gallon Jar with some sticks to climb to the top. The top has screen instead of a lid... where hopefully they will make their cocoons.

The following day... my mom called to say that her kitten had a large green caterpillar in his mouth... and wondered if it was something I wanted?

So... we brought him into our habitat. I also took another walk through the CREP fields and found what I now know is an actual Monarch Caterpillar... and we also found that we have too baby caterpillars that hatched in our mess of leaves that I plucked.

So... living in our habitat are...

1 Monarch Caterpillar

1 Big green Caterpillar which I just found out is a LUNA MOTH! I'm so EXCITED! They are gorgeous!

and

2 baby Monarch Caterpillars

In reading up on the Luna Moth... I've learned that he doesn't feed off of Milkweed leaves. He eats leaves of Hickory, Walnut and Birch trees. He also doesn't make his cocoon to hang from the top... he rolls himself in a leaf and makes the cocoon there.

So... our project goes on.

So far I can report...

* Monarch Caterpillars eat Milkweed plants in record amounts of time.

*Luna Caterpillars appear to be dead most of the time... but they aren't.

*Mac's cat Mickey Mouse Club House (don't ask) can take the screen off the top of the jar and WILL try to eat the Caterpillar

*I'm so excited to watch this process!!!

The pictures here are some recent photos of our process... I tried to get pics of the baby caterpillars... but I just couldn't do it. They are SOO tiny and green that they match the leaves.

The yellow, black and white one is the Monarch. And the big green BLOB is Mr. Luna.

"Just living is not enough," said the butterfly, "one must have sunshine, freedom and a little flower."

~Hans Christian Anderson

Update....

2008-09-11T19:21:00.002-04:00

Phew! I went to the pharmacy (why does that sound so "elderly" to me???... "to the pharmacy") and the nice pharmacist let me know that giving Mac the expired steroid was better than giving him nothing at all!

Double Phew! I had a message (thank you Facebook) from a nice Mommy friend who pointed me in the direction of a great Family Doctor! YAY! (in fact the pharmacist recommended the same person...)

Goodnight all! Pleasant dreams! May those of you with little ones... get a full nights sleep! I'm hoping for a non'wheezing night.

Tomorrow... I hope to give an update on the "Butterfly Project" that the kids and I have going!

YAWN

2008-09-11T08:17:00.003-04:00

Life may not be the party we hoped for … but while we are here we might as well dance!
~Unknown

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.
~Stacia Tauscher

What a night. The minute I put Mac to bed the wheezing started. *panic* This is the first attack since we moved back home. They usually only come in the winter months, but it seems everyone is fighting a late summer cold. The slightest cold can trigger the Evil Wheezing Beast in Mac. Luckily, I remembered where the Nebulizer was. When we packed up the house before the move, I made sure we put it in a box that we would be able to locate. "Good Job, Jodi!"

BUT... the steroids had expired. (Dec 2007) At that point... the inner battle within myself started. Do I NOT give him a treatment and risk him not being able to breathe in the night, or do I risk the 9 month expiration on the meds?

I gave him a treatment, and it didn't do anything for him.

I have to make some calls today to find a family doctor.

So in my tired state... and 5 min's before the bus... Madi remembers it's September 11th and that they were encouraged to wear "Red White and Blue" today. She had on denim capri's, a white dress shirt and a cream sweater over top. So... after a brief argument of a few possible shirt choices she could make (arguing with Madi over clothing choices is ALWAYS a last resort) ... she decided to leave what she had on. Then... "super mom" stepped in and I let her wear my favorite set of Red Bead necklace and bracelet. Ugh... I'm on pins and needles regretting it. I know it was for a good cause... but I some how see them not coming back in the same shape I sent them in.

Most people would say "it's just a necklace and bracelet"... but if you had shopped for them with me (I think Becky did)... you would know that finding the PERFECT color red is a hard task.

And let's face it... I don't have the pleasure of great shopping here, like I did in Erie. There is part of me that is tempted to go get them. (j/k'ing...) "Hi, I'm Madison Farr's Mom and I'm hear to rip my necklace and bracelet off of her. Thanks."

So Mac and I are having a SAH day. Comfy clothes. Lots of snacks. Maybe even a nap! (shhh. don't tell Mac).

I will watch for a glimmer of red around Mad's neck when she gets off the bus.... I mean, come on... you knew I would.

On this day when the nation continues to mourn... take the time to hug the people that you love, take the extra second to tell them that you are so glad to have them in your life. Celebrate your life... we were all touched by Sept 11th in some way... and while we can't change what happened, we can appreciate what it taught us. Appreciate what we have... and hold it close.

To my family and friends... thank you for all that you bring into my life.

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.
~Albert Schweitzer

In the truest sense, freedom cannot be bestowed; it must be achieved.
~Franklin D. Roosevelt

sigh... Funky... Funky...

2008-09-10T15:49:00.002-04:00

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.
~ Gilda Radner

Everything in the universe goes by indirection. There are no straight lines.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

My head is spinning in a thousand different directions today. I'm not sure if that is the cause of this headache or if I'm coming down with a cold...

Mac had school today which ... I know have to tear him away from. Then we stopped at my parent's. He gave his Grand-dad those big ol' puppy dog eyes and talked him right into taking us to McDonald's for lunch.

While I know that it's not the BEST food for us... I can tell you that there is something therapeutic about a Big Mac for me (minus the onions, please)

I love my job... Stay At Home Mom... i.e. chef, nurse, teacher, librarian, therapist, taxi driver, referee, etc... I've been offered several part time positions. All of them are things I'd really enjoy.

Everyone has advice... I can't believe I'm only NOW learning this fact.

But the struggle is within myself, within my heart... If I could find something that fit into the hours that Mac is in school, the decision wouldn't be that hard. Unfortunately there are not that many places that are looking for someone between the hours of 9-11:45 a.m.

So ... I think this headache will remain until I decide what I'm going to do....

Now... for some chocolate and a Coke (thinking food!)

Restlessness and discontent are the first necessities of progress.
~ Thomas A. Edison

90 candles on a cake....

2008-09-08T09:38:00.003-04:00

It is only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it were the only one we had.

~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

May you live all the days of your life.

~ Jonathan Swift

So... I've had a hard time starting this post. I started it on Saturday (when it would have had a lot more significance) but I just knew that I wouldn't get through it without tears.

On Saturday my Neena (grandmother) turned 90 years old!! It's just so unreal to me!

She didn't want a party... so we had an "un" party... and a card shower. To say she received a lot of cards is an understatement. She was flooded with them.

My Neena is a HUGE inspiration to me... to all of us. She is someone that I look up to and in my wildest dreams... could hope to be like.

When we were little... going to Papa and Neena's was such a treat. We were lucky to live close and we could go almost as often as we liked. There weren't many rules there... we swam in the pond, went fishing, ate Saltines with butter (lots of butter), and barely ever went inside.

When I was little, Papa was one of my best friends... and I'd admit that I found him to be more fun and interesting than my Neena. I have vivid memories of Neena when I was little... but not many. Like, I remember her coming into the pond to swim with us... and she'd walk in so gently, not making any waves... and then do the most graceful breast stroke out and back and she'd wrap in the towel and head back to the house. She always had cheese and crackers for snacks. She hated the kittens and cats we'd drag to the house, but let us do it anyway (as long as they didn't come inside!) She always had her hair done perfect. And she ALWAYS had little mini Avon lipstick samples. (I loved sneaking into the bathroom to sample them... maybe that's where my addiction stems from???)

When my Papa died... we lost a huge part of our hearts. I say we... because we all cherished him. He was the pillar of our family. (at least I considered him to be). We went to him for advice, with good news, with bad news... and for hugs.

After Papa died... Neena went on. Her faith is so strong... that it helped her through... she carried on. We all are amazed at how she continued to live alone. I know that personally one of the saddest memories I have from after his death was seeing Neena eat her meals alone. But she didn't mind, she said, Papa would always be with her. She had/has such a peace about her that you can't help but admire her.

So Saturday she turned 90. She continues to live alone. She has a caretaker that comes in the mornings to help fix meals, laundry, etc. I hate calling her a caretaker, as she is more like a part of our family now. My parents check on Neena every night. Most of the time she can be found sitting in her chair watching out the window.

Her health is fading... and that's where my tears come from. Just as I couldn't imagine my life after Papa's death... I can't imagine it without my Neena. In the past few years I have appreciated her more than ever. I'm trying to sneak all the time I can with her now. She always assures me that she'll "Be right here"... I'm so lucky that Madi and Mac are old enough to appreciate what a wonderful woman she is. She calls Mac "shorty" and he always takes his hat off and kisses her before he leaves. I know that his heart loves her like mine does. It's a peaceful love... so hard to describe.

So we honored Neena with an un'party... that she requested a Turkey be made for. (thanks Aunt DeeDee... it was yummy). We had cake. We had laughter. I secretly hope that Papa new we were celebrating...

I have all these things I want to post about... country life, cows in my yard, life, etc... but I needed to "get this all out"... and it felt good. Now, I'm going to go grab some tissues, some coffee, and the keys! Mac's day of preschool is almost done and I'm off to my mom's to make and can "sauce"... something we've never done before!

Your birthday is a special time to celebrate the gift of 'you' to the world.

~Anonymous

Heaven in the form of a snack....

2008-09-04T14:57:00.004-04:00

Thank you... Thank you... THANK YOU... To Kellogg's.

You know when you get those forms to fill out and it asks you for your "Hobbies"

My number one HOBBY would be snacking. I'm not kidding....

SO... when I came across these little babies... I instantly fell in love. And like with some snacks, how I have to hide the wrappers in the bottom of the garbage (because, you know, that if you hide them in the bottom and you can't see them... then you didn't really eat them, right?)... anyways, I don't have to hide these!

90 CALORIES! That's it! 90. That's like a taking just a bite of a Little Debbie's treat...

I prefer Raspberry... but they come in Orange, too. I'm not a big fan of Orange with my chocolate. *shivering at the thought*

So, thank you, Kellogg's Special K Bliss Bar... you've made my snacking enjoyable!

"Spreading their Wings...."

2008-09-04T08:29:00.004-04:00

"To make a wish come true,whisper it to a Butterfly.Upon these wings it will be taken to heaven and granted, for they are the messengers of the Great Spirit."
~Native American Legend

Everyone is like a butterfly, they start out ugly and awkward and then morph into beautiful graceful butterflies that everyone loves.
~Drew Barrymore

I guess it's only appropriate that after a week of watching my babies turn into these big brave kids... I post about our newest experiment.

But first... a report on Mac's first day. In his words... he LOVED it. We went to my parent's after I picked him up so that he could get his 4'wheeler ride that my dad had promised him. We questioned Mac about what he learned on his first day. He explained that they learned the "rules" of school.... and they are as follows.

1.) no hitting
2.) no kicking
3.) no scratching
and
4.) DON'T BREAK THE RULES

I'm guessing that they have had some issues with rule "break'age" in the past! Other than that... he said he said Hi to a boy at the play-doh table but he didn't talk or say hi back. He was very upset that he had taken the first step into making a friend and was totally ignored. Poor kid... he said he played tractors with the other boys and that was "a'yotta" fun.

Madi's biggest complaint is that she and her locker mate cannot shut their locker when both of their bags have gym clothing in it. She seems to really be enjoying the Middle School and the new friends she is making. Their lunch is at 10:45 which I think is insane... she literally could eat the entire kitchen by the time she gets home. I've convinced her to sneak snacks in her bag... I'm not a fan of "sneaking"... but I think a 10:45 lunch time... requires the sneaking of snacks.

Now... our newest experiment. Butterflies.

Yesterday after preschool, Mac and I went into one of my dad's CREP fields to find Milkweed plants. Monarch Butterflies lay their eggs on the underside of the Milkweed leaves. They are teeny tiny little pin drop size eggs. I believe we successfully found a few. They are currently in a gallon size glass jar with a piece of screen over the top.

From what I read... when the caterpillars hatch they are so small you can barely see them.... and then they grow into Milkweed leaf eating monsters.... and then they'll climb to the screen to begin the chrysalis stage. Then after about 2 weeks... the butterfly hatches!

I didn't really think of the significance of this project and how it relates to everything I'm experiencing with the children right now... until I sat down to type this... I guess as excited as I am about the Butterfly Project... I should be just as excited to watch my children grow to be the children who no longer need me to walk them to the bus... to the children who no longer cry when I leave them with a perfect stranger (aka preschool teacher) BUT!! If either of them crawl up to the ceiling and start making cocoon... I'm putting their cribs back up and insisting that they stay my babies forever.

Spread your wings today... or embrace the small changes in your children... if I have to... then so do YOU!

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain.
~ Maya Angelou

Change in all things is sweet.
~Aristotle (384-322 BC) - Greek philosopher

"I'll be right here..."

2008-09-03T09:35:00.002-04:00

"There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it."
~Chinese Proverbs

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new."
~Rajneesh

I just returned from dropping Mac off at Preschool. He is old enough to attend Kindergarten, but we all collectively thought that he wasn't quite ready. He's a young 5... and maybe I'm not ready to let him go yet. I overheard Madi tell someone the other day, "Mom just doesn't want to be without him." Thanks, Mad.

So he didn't cry... I did. Bawled. A "mom" that I know was dropping off her son as I was approaching my car and she asked me how he did... and I looked up at her with big ol' crocodile tears in my eyes and sobbed! Then, I admitted that he did far better than I did.

So here I am, coffee-blog-kitty at my feet... and lonely.

Which leads me to my title... "I'll be right here..."

All the way to school I explained to Mac that when school is over... that I'd be right there waiting for him. I explained this to him in great detail last night... this morning... in the car... at breakfast, etc... was it him I was trying to convince? Or me?

My Grandmother "Neena" will be 90 on Saturday. She has lived alone since my Papa passed away many years ago. She is an amazing woman whom I admire and love so much. Whenever we visit... or go down with my parents to check on her before she goes to bed... we tell her that we love her and we'll see her tomorrow... or see you soon and in the most peaceful voice she ALWAYS answers... "I'll be right here...."

It's such a comfort to me... knowing that she'll be there. And until this morning I never really thought about those words...

There is comfort in them to almost anyone. The fact of knowing that when you return from wherever you may be going... whether it be Preschool, home for the night, a long trip, college, etc... knowing that the person you love, respect and look up to will "BE RIGHT HERE" when you return.... fills your heart with enough peace to let you walk out that door.

So maybe... it was me who needed to hear Mac say "I'll be right here...." maybe I'm the one full of fear today. I watched Madi go on the bus to Middle School yesterday... without me holding her hand... and I left Mac with his teacher today. Both of them strong and fearless.... me... in the fetal position bawling my eyes out.

So friends... family... "I'll be right here... " always.... and to those who REALLY know me... you can't get rid of me THAT easy!

From the movie ET:

I'll... be... right... here.
~ E.T.

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.

~Carol Sobieski and Thomas Meehan, Annie

Mac'ism...

2008-09-02T13:07:00.006-04:00

I've always taken 'The Wizard of Oz' very seriously, you know. I believe in the idea of the rainbow. And I've spent my entire life trying to get over it.

~Judy Garland

I'm at my parent's house posting this (I knew the only way to remember this was to post it) ... loading more things in my car to take to our new house... and Mac is "exploring" outside. Describing the beauty here at my parent's is impossible... open spaces, free to roam... Mac loves it.

He just found a white fuzzy pat'apillar that looks similar to this picture...

Mac just watched it for a LONG time... and finally he says "I bet that pat'apillar wishes he were a rainbow."

I asked him why and he said... "cuz he's just plain white and rainbows are pretty."

Ahh... the beauty of childhood.

And this is how my Mac is... he loves flowers, butterflies, kittens, etc... he takes the time to study things and often acts as if he understands their feelings, etc.

Today we passed a hay field... the farmer had recently baled the hay in round bails... and there were a bunch of big huge round bales and then one little tiny one beside a large one....

Mac said: "That's nice, look Mommy, that little bale of hay gets to sit by his Mommy!"

That simple thought would have never crossed my mind... but his heart is so big in that little 5 year old body.... he melts my heart.

I'll leave this post... with a snippet of l yrics from the "Rainbow Connection"... a family favorite... (Kermit is our favorite pick to sing it... LOL)

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered

When wished on the morning star?

Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it,

And look what it's done so far.

What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing

And what do we think we might see?

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,

The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

Everyone deserves a "do over"!

2008-09-02T09:58:00.003-04:00

(I must first state that I'm not sure who wrote these next quotes... I found them on a "motivational website"... and at the rate I'm going today... I need them!)

Getting knocked down is never our choice; staying down is.

You are bigger than any mistake you'll ever make.

Bounce back whenever you get bounced around.

Who am I to argue with ANY of that? Believe me today... I won't. I'm nestled between Uhaul boxes and twisted up packing tape... listening to Mac play cars. Madi left for Middle School today in a big yellow bus... after telling me that she didn't "need" me to walk her up to wait for it. Has this really happened? Not only I am the mother of a "middle school student", but I'm also "not needed" anymore.

Now... as for Do Overs... (I kindof got lost in my Madi Moment)

I will start blogging again... I will. I promise. But first... I need to untangle myself from the gobs of packing tape that surround me... and get busy so that I can find my cell phone charger in the mess of this mess!

This was the last line of the "motivational" page I found... and my words of wisdom for the day...

The Bottom Line: When you do things over, make sure you do them better than you've ever done them before.

Just sit right back & you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip

2008-03-19T09:06:00.004-04:00

"And that's the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind."
~Dave Barry

"In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children."
~Robert Benchley

I don't know why I had the bright idea of cleaning out the car today... just to load the kids in for a trip to my parent's for the Holiday.... a three hour tour... The kids will just mess it up. Not to mention Milo, the dog. Little dog nose prints cover my back window.

We'll be leaving tonight or tomorrow and staying until Monday. (I will be back to blogging upon my return home)

I always over pack. I mean... we're staying at my parent's house. There is a washer. There is no need for 18 outfits per house member. I will pack lighter this time... I will pack lighter this time...
The good news is... my mom will dye eggs with the kids. My least favorite Easter Activity. My favorite being eating. (of course... again see survey blog and question #1)

Here are some things that I can tell you WILL happen on our 3 hour tour.

* The kids will argue before we are out of the driveway.

* Mac will need a bathroom break right before we go by the Jamestown, NY exit... because he knows that there is a McDonald's there.

* I will tell Mac... "oh darn McDonald's is closed" (while crossing my fingers, of course, because it makes my little fib okay)

* Someone will drop their Nintendo DS pen... which will cause another argument.

* My coffee cup will be empty and I'll want more...

* Mac will ask to stop at EVERY rest stop... He is an avid collector of travel brochures and maps.

* Madi will fall asleep and Mac will steal her DS games.

* Milo will take a 3 hour nap (I will secretly be jealous of him)

* By Salamanca, NY I will be on "eagle watch" I've been fortunate to spot Bald Eagles between Salamanca and Bath, NY at least 4 times since this Fall.

* As we draw nearer to my parent's town... Mac will start the "how many more minutes until we get to Mom Mom's and Grand Dad's" to which I will nicely estimate a number.

* Madi by this time is more than just annoyed with Mac and will make "ugh" sounds

* "how many more minutes until we get to Mom Mom's and Grand dad's"

* "soon Mac"

* "how many more minutes now?"

* "not many, Mac"

* "now how many?"

* "I DON'T KNOW MAC"

* we will arrive safely and the first thing my dad will ask is "Did you take Route 6?"

* To which I will giggle and say "No, dad"

(He truly believes Rt. 6 is the best way to go... and it just may be for a retired couple who do not mind the extra 2 hours it adds to a trip... who aren't traveling with kids and a dog and just want to get there as quick as possible. Let's think about it... 3 hours on the road with kids vs 5 hours... YOU PICK)

Then I'm home... where everything is OKAY!

My plans for Easter are baking with my Mom, going into the woods with my dad, and a whole lotta nothing.

May Easter bring you many blessings of love and family... also yummy chocolate bunnies and jelly beans!

If you are traveling over the Holiday... may you have peaceful travel... and may the volume on your radio work. If all else fails... Play the "who can stay quiet the longest game"!

Peace, love, and Cadbury Eggs.

"All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt!"
~ Lucy Van Pelt in Peanuts by Charles M. Schulz

Lucky Duck

2008-03-17T20:34:00.004-04:00

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
~Erma Bombeck

Happy St. Patrick's Day.

The bus was coming down the street and Madi was in a pink dress and black tights. *SHOOT*... I quickly struck a deal with her that I would take her to school.... to make up for forgetting that one must wear green or get pinched today.

I wore pink. No green. I didn't get pinched. Guess I'm not so lucky... JUST KIDDING!

I am lucky in many ways...
* I have warmth and shelter
* I have a loving family
* I have friends who value trust, honesty, and unconditional love
* I have a great haircut
* I have my mom and my dad...
* I have books to read
* I have children who say "please" and "thank you"
* I have food to eat and jeans to fit my butt
* I have St. Joseph buried in my yard.... whom is working so hard to sell my house
* I have a contingency contract on said house
* I have myself

I also feel lucky tonight because I went to the Redbox at the grocery store (Redbox... little red, well boxes, that you can rent movies from for $1 plus tax. Keep them however long you want... $1 night. If you keep them 25 nights... it's yours.)... anyways... lost my thought... oh... I went to the Redbox and they had Int0 The Wild and Dan in Real Life... both movies I have been dying to see. I read Int0 The Wild. I loved it. Many people didn't like it... my dad and I both shared a love for it.

So tonight... and tomorrow... I will be in movie bliss.

Short blog tonight... tired and anticipating the movie!

Peace, Love, and Green Lucky Things.

I think people that have a brother or sister don't realize how lucky they are. Sure, they fight a lot, but to know that there's always somebody there, somebody that's family.
~Trey Parker and Matt Stone, South Park

sMiLe

2008-03-16T20:06:00.003-04:00

"If someone is too tired to give you a smile, leave one of your own, because no one needs a smile as much as those who have none to give."
--Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch

I was one of those people today... too tired to smile.

And it was as if this lady at the mall could sense it... when she nicely said "I love your hair"... I could have hugged her. I said "thank you"... and sampled the perfume she was selling. Maybe she offered me the compliment to get me to buy the perfume... or maybe she knew that if she smiled at me, that it would in turn make me smile. I walked away a little lighter... with a flip and toss of my hair and a smile upon my face. Thank you, Perfume Lady.

My day went much better after that quick walk through the Bon Ton.

Friday I had a scheduled showing for my house. The call came late in the day Thursday and I had a fun hair appt scheduled with friends Friday morning... So I knew I had to clean, etc late into the night Thursday so that I wouldn't have to worry about it. (I now will take a few minutes to offer a few hints... hide laundry in your washer and dryer. If you have laundry that you don't want to bother taking care of... put said laundry in baskets and keep them in your car! *not that I would know this*)

Then today I had an Open House from 1-3. I threatened the kids with banishment to their bedrooms if they made even the tiniest of messes from Friday until today. So as a reward we went to the "Red Crab" (aka Red Lobster) for lunch and then to the Tom Ridge Environmental Center... we checked on the progress of the new roller coaster at Waldameer Park... and came home... where I crashed on the couch with the Sunday paper scattered around me.

So to put it simply: I'm exhausted. A long weekend. Too tired to smile. But my hair looks great! *WINK*

Remember... that person who might look irritated or angry, upset or bored... might just be too tired to smile... offer a compliment. Offer a smile... my guess is that they will smile back. And if they don't... and if they say something mean or grimace more... just smile anyways. Know that you tried, and that's all that you could do.

Peace, Love, and Ralph Lauren Wild perfume.

"Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day."
~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

"A warm smile is the universal language of kindness."
~William Arthur Ward.

Mom, Mom, Mama, Mama, Mommy, Mommy, Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma...

2008-03-15T10:07:00.008-04:00

"You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back." ~William D. Tammeus.

If you are not an avid Family Guy fan, as I am, then the title of today's blog might not make sense to you.
It.
Is.
My.
Life.

Please take a minute and click the link below.... if you are a Mom, Mom, Mommy, Mommy... you'll relate. If you are not... then you'll at least understand where I am going with today's entry.

** just watch the first section of the clip... whoever put this video on youtube also did a few spin offs. Not so funny ***

The Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sumoyp61rGg

That. Is. Exactly. How. Mac. Woke. Me. Up. This. Morning.
White Kitty was missing and it was a national disaster. White Kitty comes in 2nd to his Lovey. Both are not white. I think White Kitty was at one time white... but we really should be calling him "Gray Kitty" My mom shivers when she sees Lovey and White Kitty. I'm confidant that they should be sealed in plastic to not endanger anyone. I'm happy to announce that we found White Kitty, he was merely hiding under the comforter... Mac thinks he was scared of the horse sounds on his Nintendo DS "Horsez" game. I think he knows his days as "white" kitty are over and heard me threaten to throw him in the washer. (the Kitty... not Mac)

Madi had a friend spend the night last night. They made a fortress under the pool table and stayed up until 3am. 3am? *GASP* I don't think I saw my first 3 am until way into my teen years. While I should be impressed... I know what the day holds. I won't speak for her friend... but I can tell you that Madi is MISERABLE. Just the way she looked at me when she came up the steps from the basement made me know instantly... that I should "back the hell up" and give her space. And while some mothers would have faced that beast head on... I "backed the hell up" and poured another cup of coffee.

Today's going to be a LONG day. I said "Madi... warm clothes please.... " to which she replied "MOOOOOOOM, I KNOOOOOOW." Does she think I'll understand and hear her better if she drags out the words?

Luckily... it's the St Patty's parade in Erie. I have to take them. I used it as ammunition to bribe Mac to go to bed last night. There is still snow on the ground and mixing among the crawlers of State Street should be interesting.

**pausing** it's time to head out for parade...

*resuming*

Note to self: think twice before attending a parade on State St. in Erie, Pa in February. Yuck, Gross, Melting Snow, Yuck, Gross. Whenever someone threw candy... it landed in the big piles of melted snow water... *shivers*... so gross. Needless to say... I told Mac and Madi that I would buy them a bag of candy each *IF* they promised to not eat any of the candy that was thrown at them. Mac promptly shoved a soggy Tootsie Roll in his mouth.

I, however managed to score a "Geek Squad" tshirt and a channel CW water bottle. Small glitches of goodness on a rather bleak day.

The "3 am Princess" is slowly fading... I see a 7pm bedtime for both her and Mac. And this "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama" will watch some Tivo'd programs that she needs to catch up on.... and enjoy the silence.

I leave you with these words of wisdom....
Peace, Love, and soggy wet Tootsie Rolls....

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
~ Phyllis Diller

"Any mother could perform the jobs of several air-traffic controllers with ease."
~ LisaAlther

"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it."
~ Mark Twain

Quotes and Written Wisdom

2008-03-14T16:00:00.008-04:00

I love quotes. I love quotes almost as much as I love lyrics. (lyrics... coming soon to a blog near you) Maybe it's an equal love.

My love and obsession of quotes comes from my Grandmother "Neena". One of my favorite gifts of all times is a calendar. Just an ordinary calendar that she kept by her chair and all year wrote quotes in it... and then she passed it on to me. It's in my hope chest right now... I'm afraid of it getting lost, or mistaken for just a calendar.

I read quotes like they are A'ha moments... totally wishing that I had thought of them myself. But the reality of it is, I'm not a quote maker'uper. I simply find them... write them down on scraps of paper, in my journals, cut them out of magazines, write them in the margins of books, etc... and hope someday that I'll be able to pass them on. I'm sure that when I'm old and passed away that my family and friends will find little pieces of paper with quotes hidden everywhere.

Recently, one of my close friends bought me the book "This is Not the Life I Ordered". (how fitting :-} ) Now, even if you don't need this self help book... (tho. I do recommend it) and you love quotes... THIS is the book for you! Seriously... it's one goody after another. I started reading this book... fully intending to read it and gain some perspective on my life... but I find myself flipping through the pages reading the quotes and writing them in my journal. After Chapter 2... I know nothing of the book but quotes.

Maybe I need a Myspace AND Quote intervention? Call A&E.... I bet they'd have a field day with me.

So, I'm choosing this wonderful Friday to share a few fav's. Just a few tho... because I might be hard up for a blog topic someday and need to use a quote or two to start a stimulating blog entry.

"You can stand tall without standing on someone. You can be a victor without having victims."

- Harriet Beecher Stowe.

(Think about it... we don't have to hurt people to be the best possible person we want to be. I'm sure along the way I've "stood" on someone to make myself "taller" and I wish I could take those moments back. So for now... I'm going to accept my height and hang out on this level. And... if I've ever stood on you, and you're reading this. I'm sorry for using you as a step stool to gain my own glory. If I did... you should have let me fall right on my laughing butt *see blog from yesterday* darn butt.)

"Let the world know you as you are, not as you THINK you should be, because sooner or later if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then... where are you?"

- Fanny Brice

(advice every person should take to heart. We've all posed. I've posed. You've posed. Hopefully, the only posing I will be doing now is striking a pose taught to me by Tyra and America's Next Top Model. Pop. Pose. Pop. Pose. Hair flip. Pose.)

"It's not who you are that holds you back; it's who you think you're not."

- Barbara Walters

(My hero... my imaginary mentor... Barbara... AMEN SISTAH!)

"When life is not what you ordered, BEGIN AGAIN."

Could it be that easy... to begin again. Or do you just pick up from where you are and "make it better"... I'm currently in that limbo.... but the fog is clearing. *fanning the air* Out, damn fog, out.

Peace, love, and Barbara Walters.

Silly Surveys and Myspace

2008-03-13T08:10:00.005-04:00

*Silly Surveys and Myspace*

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a Myspace addict. Pretty darn close to needing an intervention. Bless you Myspace for connecting me to friends I've lost track of, for being able to call some celebrities my "friends", and for giving my phone a break from texting. Also thank you... for silly surveys that enlighten my day... Never in the course of a day do I wonder... "when did so and so have their last kiss"... but when I read a survey on Myspace... and I learn about so and so's last kiss... I think "Huh... that's nice"

That said... yesterday 'my' Libby posted one... it was different in many ways so I thought I'd fill it out and send it out into the land of Myspace Bulletins. But then, *gasp* these weren't silly questions... and worse yet... I found myself pondering, even searching myself for the answers to the questions. After answering only 3... I quit and walked away. x'd out the screen and thought nothing more about it. But then I did... and it bothered me that I couldn't honestly answer some of them. Some of the questions are simple and not as heartfelt as others... those were easy for me to come up with an answer for. Like #1. Because frankly... my butt hates me. I might just skip those.

So it's my goal today... even if I have to stop on a question and walk away and search my heart for the answers... I will. This might seem silly to most... but it's so not. To me... it's just another "I'm lost and can't find myself" moment. (I've been having these a lot lately) Frankly, It sucks. Fa la la la la la....

And now... folks... the "survey"

1. I have come to realize that my butt: Hates me. Literally, it laughs at me when I grab a pair of jeans. I mean... even before I put the jeans on... I can hear my butt laughing.

2. I have come to realize that when I talk: that there are people who listen and take the time to understand... and people who only half listen and could care less what I'm saying.

3. I have come to realize that, if I love someone: it takes work. Some love is so unconditional and forever... and some love breaks your heart more than it hugs it. And some love is forever....

4. I have come to realize that, I need: to get back on track... to remember how strong I am.

5. I have come to realize that, I've lost: me.

6. I have come to realize that, I hate it when: I let my guard down. When the shield goes down and the hurt comes in.

7. I have come to realize that, if I'm drunk: I must be lost... because it's been forever and a million days.

8. I have come to realize that, marriage: is harder work than loving someone. And that without trust, honesty, and belief... it's a struggle.

9. I have come to realize that, work: plays into so many things... and that I'm getting better at the commitment.

10. I have come to realize that, I will always be: who I am. But that I don't have to be sad forever. That I don't have to be weak forever. But that it's okay when I am... because I find a little more of myself when those feelings leave. I will always be: the silly me... that some people don't understand. And letting that personality out once in awhile... is okay. Even if when I'm singing Wind Beneath My Wings in Wegmans and people are looking at me... it's okay. I will always be: a girl who still calls her Dad... "Daddy"... I will always be: that girl in the red Nissan jammin' to the 'Dead and thinking she could beat the world. (sometimes it just takes a minute to find her in my heart)

11. I have come to realize that, I like: Being my own friend. Being alone. Finding out that I don't need to have the presence of another person around me at all times. I like the silence of being alone within myself.

12. I have come to realize that, the last time I cried was: Yesterday. It's a daily thing.

13. I have come to realize that, my cell phone is: making me feel connected kind of like Myspace.

14. I have come to realize that, when I wake up in the morning: I'm okay. I know what I have to do and I do it. Having a system is a great thing.

15. I have come to realize that, before I go to sleep at night I: enjoy checking on Mac and Madi... and knowing that while they are sleeping.... they are in a peaceful state. That while they sleep... they have no worries and hopefully dream of Kittens, Butterflies, and Raindrops.

16. I have come to realize that, everything: Will be okay someday. Everything: gets worse before it gets better. Everything: is within reach... just maybe my arms aren't long enough to grab it yet.

17. I have come to realize that, babies: Are something I wanted a ton of... but mine are 9 and 4... and will always be my babies.

18. I have come to realize that, when I get on Myspace: I enjoy checking in with everyone... and smiling at messages... and that I might need to go on Intervention for my addiction to Myspace. Also, that I stalk Lib.

19. I have come to realize that, today I will: Say some things that need to be said. Leave it at that. And walk away.

20. I have come to realize that, tonight I will: Relax.

21. I have come to realize that, tomorrow I will: Get "My hair did"... feeling pretty is such a mood booster!

22. I have come to realize that, I really want to: Prove myself... to myself and no one else.

23. I have come to realize that, working out: should be a priority, but... well it's not. *see question #1*

24. I have come to realize that, friends: Keep me strong. Tell me I'm okay in sweats. Love me with fire starter hair. Know when I need Big Mac. Know when to let me be. Know when to pull me back. Are blessings.

this*so*called*life