Arriving at one goal is the starting point to another.
~ Fyodor Dostoevski

“Once they move, they're gone. Once you move, life starts over again.”
~ Jim Hinkle

“When you feel that you have reached the end and that you cannot go one step further, when life seems to be drained of all purpose: What a wonderful opportunity o start all over again, to turn over a new page.” - Eileen Caddy

Can we start over? Or do we simply move on... I don't see these as the same "thing."

Starting over... would be a scary process... to go back and start over from the beginning? That to me, would be terrible. To get to this point... TODAY... I had to go through so many life experiences... but had I not gone through them... I would have missed so much.

So no... I refuse to "start over"... but I will embrace moving on with open arms.... with an open mind... with open eyes... and mostly an open heart.

I've been surprised in the past 2 weeks to get emails asking me to blog again... maybe it was a conspiracy... but with a lot of thought... about this said "moving on"... maybe it makes sense to revamp this blog... to move on with it... to record my journey so that when I get that spot... that spot where I can say I'm okay... I can look back through my pages... and finally say "THE END".

Today's chapter would be a dark one... a sad one... and not much of a page turner. I'm finding that I fly so high on my good days.... but when those bad days sneak up on me I crash twice as hard as I was flying. It's so incredibly hard to pick myself up from that crash... it's twice as hard. 1 step forward ... 2 steps back... But I'm hopeful that tomorrow's chapter will be a bright and cheerful one.

My "forever friend" also known as my N.C. BFF wrote me such a touching email this week... when I read it I felt like she was standing beside me and holding my hand. I'd like to share what has kept me going this week....

quoted from her email to me:

"you are amazing in every sense of the word. i mean that, with all of my heart. i KNOW you are going to be ok, i just know it.
i am sorry that you have to do this today. it just sucks but you are doing the right thing. as hard as it is that something is coming to an end, it is also a new beginning for you. a chance to start fresh and focus on YOU!!
i long everyday to just give you a hug, be there to hold your hand, listen to you, especially on a day like today.
i cry all the time when i think of what you are going through. you are just such a beautiful person and please know, that if i could take it all away, i would. in a second. i know i say it every time i type, but you are my hero. i am so so so proud of you."

It's hard for me to accept the acknowledgement that someone is proud of me. So hard. Because I'm not to where I feel proud of myself yet. But I hope one day that I can see the Jodi that she sees. I hope that someday I can be half the friend to her that she is to me. I hope that I can be proud of me...

So here's to new chapters, new beginnings and moving on... to smiling even when you don't think you can. To best friends and to me...

"Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard.”
~ Dave Mustaine

'Tis the Season....

I'm spinning... Literally... and I've gotten so used to this wacky out of control spinning of life... that I'm afraid if it (my life) were to slow down I might not be able to handle the "stillness" of it. I've found myself holding on tightly to things to gain some kind of security... But in the mist of it all... some glorious things have happened (glorious to me... and probably not glorious to others...)

* I decided to not stress out about Christmas cards. Normally, I do. I'm not this year. I am NOT.

* I got to go on the "Annual Mom and Amy (my sister) Christmas Shopping Trip"... which I guess we'll have to rename now that I have moved back. This trip consists of my sister and I shaking our heads at my mom's crazy list... lots of laughs... and loud Christmas music in the car.

* Madi is STUDENT of the Month in the Middle School... I might have posted about this! The breakfast to "honor" her was canceled this Friday due to the 10" of snow that was expected to fall.

* Madi had her Choral Concert... Beautiful!

* Mac bought my Christmas present while out shopping with my Dad. Even though it feels like a Pizza Cutter and is shaped like a Pizza Cutter... he says "It's NOT a Pizza Cutter" (Tho, I heard him whisper to Madi that it was! *wink*)

* I mourn the end of Santa's Secret Workshop this year. Madi doesn't have it in the Middle School and Mac's preschool doesn't hold one. No more crazy earrings from Madi.

* I am officially "Coke" (the soda, silly) FREE! This is a constant struggle for me.... and while I have been able to stop drinking it... I always get cravings. The cravings are gone and (excuse me while I pass out) the taste isn't even enjoyable to me anymore.

* I had a wonderful WONDERFUL time catching back up with my childhood friends... I'll post some pictures, soon! It was truly a great night... and fun to see how we've all "grown" up!

Ho Ho Ho! I'm sure I won't be back to post until the Holiday is over... Happy Holidays!

Old Friends...

We all have them, right? I'm not talking about a friend from college... or even high school... I'm talking about our "first friends"....

I have the pleasure of reconnecting with my first childhood friends via the Internet, class reunions, etc... but this coming weekend we are having our first ever "get together"... without the pressure of a class reunion, etc.

See... we went to a little tiny school... I don't think my class size was ever over 25 students. We didn't have "homerooms" or have to change classes or anything. We went to school together from Kindergarten until our sophomore year ... when our roots were "up" rooted and our small town school had to consolidate with a different school. Many of us were separated into different homerooms, different activities, different sports, etc... making it inevitable for us NOT to make different groups of friends... our small school bond got lost in the shuffle of the "new'ness" of a new school.

My 2 first childhood school friends Jen and Chanin and I have decided to make it our best effort to find what was lost... our "old school" roots.

To say I'm excited is an understatement. Our first friends in many ways... are what helped form our lives... our dreams... etc. These are the people we held hands with in a circle and sang songs. The children we bowed our heads and prayed with in school. Our friends who stood by us when we still didn't know all the words to the "Star Spangled Banner"... the friends who played cops and robbers on the playground with us... who helped us chase the boys away. These are the friends that taught us how to be friends. They didn't pick on you when you still went home for lunch in elementary school... because you were so homesick it hurt! (lol'ing... *wink*) We played jump rope, rode our bikes in circles on the pavement, wrapped our knees around the high bar and went round and round and round... Some of us were called "Towns people" and we walked to and from school.... we didn't worry about "bad things" or fear for anything (well... maybe except for the big white van parked on the road).... I personally think... living in a small town and going to a small school was a HUGE gift to all of us.

We're all adults now... but the fact that we're young enough to have these memories is awesome. I cannot wait to sit around and just remember how easy we had it then. To learn what everyone is like as an adult now...

And to make plans to make sure this is an annual event..... When you first friends can become your forever friends... I think you are pretty much as blessed as it gets!

So here's to Tigers, Show and Tell, and Small Towns....

*I'm Thankful..... *

We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.
~ Cynthia Ozick

I am thankful... and a few days late writing this.... But I've been busy enjoying my family... which I am SOOOO THANKFUL for!

It's easy to become wrapped up in things you don't have, things you wish you could have, things you wish you previously had, things that are always out of reach... But when asked to list what you are *RIGHT NOW* (in this moment) Thankful for... it seems easy to understand just how lucky you are... try it...

Right now I am thankful for...

*Family... each and every one of them
*My marriage... the good, the bad, the happy and the sad
*Random "I Love You's" from Madi and Mac
*Kid Hugs...
*Walking into my parent's house and instantly feeling "At Home"
*Looking at my 90 Year old Grandmother "Neena" and knowing that she loves me and is proud of me... but also looking at her and being proud that I can live in this same life that she does
*Coffee
*Feeling a big fat cat curled up on my feet in the early morning
*Madi and everything she brings into my life... even the grumpy moments
*Mac and his Mac "ways"... I wish I could keep him 5 forever
*My health, my life, my love
*Coke
*Friends near and far... For Becca, Jess, and Bex ... because even when they can't physically hold my hand... I know they are.
*Facebook... Myspace... and my computer
*First loves and last loves...
*Eternity Perfume
*Chocolate Pudding
*My mom's 'sketti sauce
*Hearing my mom call me her "little one"
*Knowing that my parents are proud of me and who I have become.
*Heated seats
*Fitting into my "favorite" jeans...
*People magazine
*Chunky Monkey Ice Cream
*Fuzzy slippers
*each one of my nieces and nephews...
*Kevin Bacon
*laughter
*knowing the feeling of love, of happiness, of sadness, of hurt... being able to "feel"
*my new found NON' dependency on my cell phone
*a new found relationship with one of my sisters
*music, my iPod, and MTV
*my life... and the mystery of the years yet to come


My list could go on forever.... but how comforting it is to know that right now... in this moment... I'm so blessed. I'll admit to having the "woe is me" moments lately... but when I stop to really think about my life... I know that I'm lucky, I'm happy, and I'm surrounded by people who help make my life what it is.

Thank you... all of you.

Oh Where Oh Where....

Could I be?

I can't catch up! Seriously... How did it get to Thanksgiving already? Wasn't it just summer? Wasn't I just laying out with a good book listening to the kids play?

As I type, I can watch the snow swirling around out my window. I won't even go on and on and on about how much I detest winter, snow, and everything cold. Just let it be know that I hate it. I, as a good parent, try to teach Madi and Mac that we don't use the word "hate".... that we don't "Hate" anything.... but secretly I HATE WINTER.

Madi brought home a wonderful report card. All A+'s except for that darn B+ in Math. What can I say, she's my girl. If it has anything to do with numbers, I really don't want anything to do with it. (except for shopping!) Her grades earned her a spot on the Middle School High Honors Honor Roll. We are very proud of her.

Also, in Miss Smarty Pants Madi news... she ran for Student Council. There were 6 children total chosen from the 5th grade Homerooms. After counting 600 votes... we learned that Madi was chosen for one of the spots. What an honor for all of us. For Madi it means that she is being accepted in a new school that is full of new teachers, new classmates, and new friends. For a Mom... it means that this move hasn't affected her so far. I've been so nervous that she would handle the move the hardest... that she would struggle being in a new place without her familiar surroundings. But I think she's okay. I think we're all okay. I think my feelings can finally come close to resting and I can relax knowing that I'm okay.

Mac... what a kid. I've overheard him a few times over the past month or so tell people on the phone that "He's not hearing so well." After a visit to our new local Doctor... we have a referral to a hearing specialist on Tuesday.

Mac's hearing, ears, health, etc have been a constant battle with us since he was just a tiny little thing... I have this knot in my stomach that won't leave until I know that he's okay. I hate complaining when I know that there are so many children out there with MUCH more serious medical issues.... but he's my baby, and I worry.

I guess right now... in this moment... I'm so THANKFUL for all that is right in my life right now. Sometimes our lives can start that spin... that spin that can whack us all out of sync.... but right now I feel like I'm standing still... which for me IS A GOOD THING.

I'm going to sit for a minute... and think of my feet buried in sand, the sun toasting my skin to an early onset of wrinkles, and a nice fruity drink by my side. (please don't tell my brain that I'm really freezing, cup of HOT coffee beside me, with 2 layers of moisturizer on my dry flaky skin)

Peace, Love, and Warm Fuzzy Mittens....

This*Is*Where*I*Am

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Beauty is not in the face;

beauty is a light in the heart.

~Khalil Gibran, (1883 - 1931)

I woke up in a great mood today... but everything took a turn for the worse this morning when the "industrial" stapler and I got into a struggling match at work. (for the record... the Stapler won)

So I have nothing inspirational to write.

I can tell you that Mac is all jacked up on Gobstoppers and Allergy Medicine.

I can tell you that the LAST thing I want to do tonight is run all the way back in to town to pick up Madi from Volleyball practice.

I can tell you that I forgot to do something that my Mom asked me to do 2 weeks ago... and I had to be reminded of it by her. Nothing big... but I feel like a big ol' failure.

So many of my friends are dealing with a lot worse right now. I feel bad complaining... so I'll stop. (Hammer Time)

I thought I'd share some pic's... Autumn pictures from the "country"... enjoy~

Pretty in Pink Leaves...

A rainbow over a house down the dirt road...

Our Pretty Red Barn Door

Our "Home"... Circa 1856

Call "C.Y.S."....

Call Children and Youth... I would. Haha... this is the fun my children had last week.

Last Tuesday was our last "warm day". (I even wore shorts... in October!!). So... we gassed up the mowers and decided to tackle the ka'zillion ba'zillion acres and mow for the last time. We've been fortunate since moving in that the weather remained dry enough that the grass didn't grow. At all. Therefore... we haven't had to mow. Until Tuesday, that is...

I used the push mower. (okay... I should mention that it is self propelled) I love it... I love walking behind it... it's so noisy that I get lost in my own thoughts. I don't hear the kids fighting over a stick. Yes, that's right... they fought over a stick. I know this because... they stopped me to tell me.

HELLO!!!!! We live on a half wooded property!!! GO FIND ANOTHER ONE!!! Ugh.

Anyways... I walked around the corner and this is what I see.

(I will first state that before you call C.Y.S. please be informed that Dale was just out of the picture in these shots... per his request. Neither child was left alone on the mower.... someone was walking beside them at all times)

That said... Mac thinks this is what country life is all about. He said... "I am a farmer now, Mom!" I guess mowing with a Honda Lawn Tractor is "farming" enough... when you are 5.

And not to be out done by Mac... Madi tried it, too! (omg... we are so turning redneck, aren't we?)